Odds & Ends

• Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
• I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
• Old age is coming at a really bad time!
• When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
• The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
• Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
• I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
• I smile because you are my sister-in-law and laugh because you married my brother!
• My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
• The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
• I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
• Even duct tape can't fix stupid — but it can muffle the sound!
• Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
• Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW!
• Of course I talk to myself — sometimes I need expert advice.
• At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.